The 5 Types of People on Bruin Walk (and How to Deal With Them)

Every university has its population of distinguished visitors whose only purposes are to add a little color to the day-to-day lives of college students. They come from all walks of life and all over the globe to harass the young people of America through interpretive dance and devastating body odor. Luckily for us at UCLA, most of our campus visitors can be found in a single place: our beloved Bruin Walk. Occasionally, one will slip through the cracks and end up as a guest lecturer at the Anderson Business School, but for the most part, these saviors from boredom can be found on UCLA’s central thoroughfare any day of the week. In case you haven’t had the fortune of seeing them all or recently found yourself backed into a corner, here’s a list of the most common visitors and how to deal with each one.

5. The Petitioners

petitioner

You’ve seen them countless times, standing on Bruin Walk with their long hair and denim vests plastered with vibrant pins. They’re changing the world one orphaned, asthmatic koala at a time, and you can be a part of the change too if you just put down your email address, social security number, and the hours you’ll be home this evening. They’re almost always carrying clipboards, and, if you’re speaking with an upper echelon representative, they may even have laminated information sheets. But don’t be fooled by their glamour: their main purpose is to help you to help yourself to help a struggling Nigerian prince who happens to have an impressive grasp of the US Postal Service.

How to deal with them

Forget about asking for identification. You’ve seen their clipboards; what, do you think they just hand those out to anyone? The best thing to do (other than walking directly by them) is find out what organization they’re with and do some research in the safety of your own home. Keep your sentences short and demonstrate an uncontrollable twitch. This makes getting out of the conversation much easier, although you can always fake a seizure in an emergency.

Satyr Squirrel 1 Redeemer

4. The Redeemers

These visitors are less common, but much more difficult to avoid. They stand in the middle of Bruin Walk holding colossal signs that outline graphic doomsday prophecies. Interestingly, they are all extremely well-read individuals with a particular taste for both freedom of thought and Tom Hanks’ facial hair in Cast Away.

How to deal with them

Whatever you do, do not make eye contact. Scientists maintain that these modern-day intellectuals can actually destroy your soul if you match their tolerant gaze. For the most part, these bastions of scientific thought hardly ever speak, so your best bet is to throw in your iPod, blast some “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder, and shimmy on by.

3. The Creationists

Satyr Squirrel 4 Creatonist

Amazingly, this group of visitors is under the impression that the best place to spread Creationist doctrine is on the campus of one of the nation’s finest educational institutions. Of course, this makes perfect sense when you consider that God created universities in 1803 along with the salted pretzel and the grizzly bear. Let’s be honest: regular pretzels simply weren’t cutting it anymore, and we should all be thankful that the Lord was generous enough to answer the prayers of our forefathers.

How to deal with them

Luckily for college students, God created both alcohol and Creationists for quick stress relief when you’re short on time! If you happen to see a Creationist spouting nonsense on campus, feel free to jump in and try your hand at a few rational arguments. You won’t win, but sometimes it’s fun to see what living in Medieval Europe must’ve felt like.

Satyr Squirrel 2 Husky Guy

2. The Husky Guy

He makes occasional appearances on Bruin Walk with his two huskies. He always counts his unhatched chickens correctly. As a mental exercise, he counts to infinity every morning before breakfast. He has never turned down for anything.

How to deal with them

Come on, he’s the man.

1. The Peace Guy

Satyr Squirrel 3 Peace Guy

Perhaps the most elusive and least understood of Bruin Walk’s many visitors, the Peace Guy is renowned for holding a large peace sign and dancing—quite well—in women’s clothing. A better case for world peace has yet to be made. Having recently “migrated East,” the Peace Guy now spends his time doing the exact same thing at another school. But in case he comes back…

How to deal with them

Just to be safe, you should throw this guy a peace sign when you walk by him. Kick off your shoes and start dancing if you want, but considering he is a total stranger, you may want to keep a little distance—at least until you know his dance routine. Just remember he’s definitely not doing this for the attention. ♦

 

Share!Share on Facebook0Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Reddit0Share on Tumblr0Share on StumbleUpon0Pin on Pinterest0Email this to someone

Comments