The Definitive UCLA Fraternity Ratings

Nine out of ten professors agree: The most important decision you can make in college is what fraternity or sorority you join. That’s why Satyr has compiled the definitive list of Greek House ratings.

Now, there are several subjective criteria that can be used to judge each of these houses. These include attractiveness, style, personality, size, and location. And because all of these topics are so subjective, they won’t be used in the ranking of these houses. To create the ultimate greek house ranking list, Satyr has relied on the only truly objective measure of each of these houses’ quality: food for fraternities and water flavor for sororities.

We’ll start with the fraternities, as they both rush at the same time. I’ll list them in the order that I visited them today. I will examine the sororities tomorrow.

1. Sigma Chi

Food: In ‘n Out

Hazing? “Definitely not”

This was an excellent start to the rush process. In ‘n Out is widely considered one of the best fast food burgers available and Sigma Chi did well in choosing this reliable brand. Points were obviously lost in their decision to order food rather than cook it, but was ultimately a succesful venture.

4/5 Stars: Mid-Tier House

2. TDX

Food: Chicken and Waffles

Hazing? “Of course we don’t”

My expectations were extremely high for this meal. Chicken and Waffles is a very eclectic dish, and one that is often very hard to pull off. TDX did an excellent job with the preperation of their perfectly seasoned chicken, but failed in the quality of their waffles. They were too stale and the lack of syrup did not help.

3.5/5 Stars: Mid-Tier House

3. Pike

Food: Sushi

Hazing? “We would never”

I was very hesitant that this fraterntiy opted to serve sushi. Sushi requires the best and freshest ingredients, and I was concerned that this house would be unable to meet expectations. Despite this however, Pike was able to shine through. They’re rice was especially sticky and they were very generous with their wasabi.

4.5/5 Stars: Top-Tier House

4. Beta

Food: Chipotle

Hazing? “Absolutely Not”

Chipotle is an extremely popular choice for fast mexican food, and for good reason. The selection is amazing and the quality is high. Whether this would translate into quality for the house was up in the air as I walked into this fraternity. I was dissapointed to find that there were not very many options when it came to burrito selection, and was sad to see that there was very little guacamole available. Despite this, I was pleasently suprised with the taste of the burritos.

3/5 Stars: Mid-Tier House

5. Sigma Nu

Food: In ‘n Out

Hazing? “This house does not haze”

I was extremely full at this point. This was also the second time I had eaten In ‘n Out in only about 30 minutes, and the lack of variety did not help this problem. I opted to only eat fries and was extremely unhappy. The abundance of ketchup slightly made up for this disgraceful act.

2/5 Stars: Low-Tier Hosue

6. Lambda

Food: Pulled Pork

Hazing? “We actually don’t haze. Seriously.”

The quality of the pork served at this fraternity was extremely high. The meat literally fell of the bone and the sauce was excellent. This was tempered by the fact that I threw up immediately after having one bite. I had eaten five full meals at this point and apparently couldn’t handle much more. I was asked to leave.

1/5 Stars: Low-Tier House

7. ZBT

Food: Chick-Fil-A

Hazing? “We don’t haze at this fraternity”

I was extremely excited to hear that the food served hear woudld be Chick-Fil-A, as it is one of my favorite fast food meals. After having thrown up at the last fraternity, I came to this fraternity with a new found hunger, and plenty of stomach room. I ate four chicken sandwiches and several boxes of fries. I also went through seventeen Chick-Fil-A sauces. Leaving this house I threw up again, but this time, it was a vomit of joy.

5/5 Stars: Best of the Best

8. Sigma Phi Epsilon

Food: Chipotle

Hazing? “Sigma Phi Epsilon is a non-hazing fraternity”

Walking in to this house, I was extremely dissapointed to find that I would be eating chipotle for the second time. It is an extremely heavy meal and I wasn’t trying to have another round. I decided to just eat chips. I grabbed a large bag of them and immediately looked for the guacamole. I was extremely devastated to find that there was none left. I was left to eat my chips with sour cream.

1.5/5 Stars: Low-Tier House

9. Alpha Gamma Omega

Food: In ‘n Out

Hazing? “God no!”

This was now the third time I had eaten In ‘n Out today. I walked into this fraternity with extremely low expectations. Instead of struggling through another burger or fries, I decided to remove the lettuce and tomatoes from a burger and to create myself a salad. To my surprise, the salad that I created was extremely delicious and very refreshing.

4.5/5 Stars: Top-Tier House

10. Triangle

Food: In ‘n Out

Hazing? “Engineering is hazing in and of itself”

Are you fucking kidding me? These houses are literally next to each other. Why would they both serve In ‘n Out? Did they order together and get a discount? I walked in with the idea to literally throw burgers at the wall. Instead, I made myself another salad, and the delicousness of the meal calmed me down immediately. I left extremely relaxed.

4/5 Stars: Mid-Tier House

11. Phi Kappa Sigma

Food: Peanut Butter and Jelly

Hazing? “Nope”

This was hands down the best house I had all day. The originality of the dish was unparralled. The bread was subtle and the jelly was beautifully pronounced. I only wish I could have stayed there all day.

5/5 Stars: Best of the Best

12. Sigma Pi

Food: Chick-Fil-A

Hazing? “We do not haze in this fraternity”

I really wasn’t feeling like eating Chick-Fil-A again, so I decided to pass on eating here again. I did like the way they presented the food, though, so I’ll say it was a pretty good meal.

3.5/5 Stars: Mid-Tier House

13. Delta Sigma Pi

Food: Steak

Hazing? “This house doesn’t do that”

After hearing that this house was serving steak, I was extremely excited. A medium-rare ribeye may be my favorite dinner dish. Little did I know horrorso I was about to experience. I walked in looking for someone to take my order. My excitement soon turned sour as my stomach sank. They wern’t taking orders. The steaks were all pre-cooked and they cuts were more of a top sirloin. There wasn’t even a garnish. I was extremely unhappy.

2/5 Stars: Low-Tier House

14. Pi Kappa Phi

Food: Flamer Broiler

Hazing? “Hazing is not part of our pledge process”

After discovering that this house would be serving flame broiler, I was very excited. Asian food is not a common rush meal and I was definitely happy with the boldness of this fraternities meal choice. The selection was quite varied and there was both bowls with brown and white rice. I was quite happy with this meal.

4/5 Stars: Mid-Tier House

15. AEPi

Food: BBQ

Hazing? “No, we don’t haze”

I was quite anxious to try the meal here, as barbeque is a very difficult dish to perfect. It came as no large suprise to me that this house had not perfected its cooking technique. The meat was slightly dry and the sauce wasn’t smoky enough.

2/5 Stars: Low-Tier House

16. Kappa Sigma

Food: Chicken and Waffles

Hazing? “No”

Woe is me. Like I said at the last house that served this dish, this is a very eclectic meal to prepare. And what luck, opposite the other house, the chicken here was dry and unappetizing while the waffles were cooked to perfection. They were fluffy and golden and I tasted pure maple syrup. If only I could have the waffles from here and the chicken from there.

3/5 Stars: Mid-Tier House

At this point, I could not eat any more. I had thrown up twice, and eaten more meals than I cared to count. At this point, I rated the houses on how I felt about the dishes, assuming they were prepared well.

17. Theta Chi

Food: Chick-Fil-A

Hazing? “No we don’t”

This would be the third time I would have eaten this meal. Don’t he houses plan together?

3/5 Stars: Mid-Tier Houses

18. DTD

Food: Chipotle

Hazing? “We don’t believe in hazing”

I’m so over chipotle at this point.

0/5 Stars: Terrible

19. SAE

Food: Pulled Pork

Hazing? “Absolutely not.”

I like pulled pork generally. I’m sure this house did a decent job.

3/5 Stars: Mid-Tier House

20. Theta Xi

Food: Chipotle

Hazing? (responded with a head shake)

Fuck chipotle.

-1/5 Stars: Nope.

21. Phi Psi

Food: Bacon and Burgers

Hazing? “Nah”

A decent idea. Good bacon is good, but I bet they overcooked them because, well fuck I don’t know.

2/5 Stars: Low-Tier House

Well there you have it. The definitive UCLA fraternity ratings, brought to you by Satyr. Now you can go forth and make an informed decision when it comes to which house to rush. Again, sororities to come tomorrow.

Part 2: Sorority Ratings up now!


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