These days, it’s seems like we’re constantly being bombarded with stories of violence—our news reports are filled with stories of shootings and terrorism, and not even a few weeks pass before the next tragedy rocks the moral strength of our nation. But amid all this loud and senseless bloodshed, one wonders: Can there even be room for the beauty of serial killing?
We believe that ignoring this aspect of human culture is detrimental to the diversity of our campus. To that end, we have highlighted some of the best places at UCLA to tastefully send your victims to the afterlife. Go and grab your black turtleneck sweater; it’s the three best places to horrifically murder someone at UCLA!
1. Sculpture Garden
The sculpture garden is one of UCLA’s most magnificent sites—in the daylight. However, as dusk approaches, shadows grow on bronze forms, the glow of yellow streetlamps illuminates the air, and the garden begins looking like an M.C. Escher fantasy.
Your victims will never see you coming. Will you sneak out from behind the oversized naked woman that everyone awkwardly avoids looking at? Or maybe you’ll emerge from within the massive rusted torus, like the murderous jelly filling of a deadly donut.
The best part? No matter who you choose as your victim—from the janitor who worked a bit too late to the last student leaving a math midterm—you’ve got the perfect way to dispose of the body. Just bring some brown paint, and add them to the outdoor collection. Ever wondered why there are so many headless torso sculptures?
2. Boelter Hall
We can all appreciate a good stabbing or chain-sawing, but for some of us, the real fun is in the chase. Imagine yourself, following your victim, screaming as she imagines you popping out from every corner. If this sounds like you, why not choose to commit your heinous crimes in Boelter Hall (and its deformed Siamese twin, Math-Sciences)?
As you stalk her from floor to floor, your victim will quickly become disoriented. Staircases end abruptly without reaching either roof or ground floor. Taking the wrong elevator will leave her on bizarre half-floors, seemingly unconnected with the rest of reality. The truly unlucky victim will find herself in the basement, where the groaning pipes breathe and every light flickers. In a mere ten minutes, your prey will be reduced to a squirming pile of tears, like a pre-med after his first Math 3A midterm.
Some of you may be wondering, “In this modern world, wouldn’t students be able to go online for help?” Not to worry! Every Wi-Fi network in the building will fail to connect. And don’t worry if your naïve victim asks an engineering professor for directions— those professors are already speaking in tongues.
3. Royce Bell Tower
On the other hand, maybe you’re a fan of cinema. To you, it’s not murder—it’s a murder scene, and you’re the ultimate method actor. Now, we recommend against the theater department; their budget is too low for the grand symbolism that your artistry demands. But what’s more classique than a Royce bell tower finale?
At 6:55 pm, the scene opens. A lone photographer enters the roped-off top floor. He wants to get that perfect picture of the sunset (because, you know, it’s never been done before). Turns out, UC regulations aren’t the only thing that’s going to break today.
As he raises his camera, you sneak out from behind the bell. If you’re a fan of costumes, maybe you’ve dressed up as Quasimodo or Alfred Hitchcock (honestly, there’s not much difference there). All it takes is a little push, and our young “artist” is reliving the finale from Vertigo. As his body crashes on the ground, you slide out of view, never to be caught. The automated bell strikes seven o’clock, like a perfectly-timed funeral gong. His camera drapes from the overhang, the playback feature still running; it turns out, he did manage to get that beautiful last picture.
Well, there you have it, you monster: the three best places to murder someone at UCLA. Of course, this is not an exhaustive list, just our choice favorites. Perhaps you’ll find a new location that truly speaks to you (hell, if you’re the hallucinating type, it really will speak to you). But remember, it’s up to you to strike fear into the hearts of our campus and keep our noble tradition alive. Enjoy. ♦
DISCLAIMER: Satyr does not actually condone murder. Seriously, keep us out of your manifesto.