Through Thick-Rimmed Glasses: A Gluten Tale

Illustrated by Sarah Chess

Illustrated by Sarah Chess

It’s no secret that the world has suffered an epidemic. Starting in the mid-to-late 2000s, a staggering number of people, seemingly out of nowhere, became allergic to gluten, an affliction formally known as Celiac disease. Sadly, no population suffered more than Los Angeles’ very own hipster community. Many of these gluten free-ks, as they are lovingly called, live among us in normal society. If you wonder whether that person sitting next to you on the bus right now is gluten intolerant, don’t worry about asking, because they’re sure to tell you.

You see, in an effort to not be labeled victims of gluten intolerance, hipsters have taken the offensive and insist on wearing their gluten free-k status on their flannel sleeves. These brave hipster tactics include such offensive behavior as overreacting in a restaurant when the waiter doesn’t know if there are croutons on a salad. It’s also readily observable in those moments when a hipster goes out of their way to steer a completely unrelated conversation to the topic of their digestive vulnerability.

But as brave as hipsters are in the face of this debilitating disease, a gluten allergy is still a grave matter. For this reason, it was a crushing blow when General Mills announced last week that they had accidentally contaminated 2.5 million boxes of their gluten-free cereal with the dreaded “wheat flour,” aka hipster kryptonite. Many anticipated and prepared for the worst. Prayer groups were formed, school was canceled, and even Jim Webb dropped out of the race for the Democratic nomination as a token of solidarity.

But to the surprise of all, not a single hipster complained of gluten poisoning. Authorities were baffled at why no hipster reported the presence of gluten in the cereal that they had been consuming for days.

Haters say that this lack of reaction indicates that gluten intolerance is simply another faddish hipster craze and compare this gluten allergy to the hipster man buns (also known to be gluten-free). But we all know that this is an ignorant and ill-informed opinion. After all, how pathetic would a person have to be to fake an allergy in order to gain some kind of social status or prestige? Frankly, the notion is absurd.

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