BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Last week, at an annual Gala for Women Empowerment, straight, white, cis-gendered, Communications major, Chet Hèad, overcame the will of the entire room to release the rape joke that had been brewing inside him all night.
Brought to the conference by an extra-credit Gender Studies class assignment, Hèad found himself smothered by the inspiring atmosphere.
“I felt very excluded, like no one was paying attention to me,” Hèad recalled to Daily Ruin staff.
Sources spotted him shifting and fidgeting among the smiling faces and organic, meaningful conversation.
“Those ‘advocate’ bitches didn’t phase me. I believe in the first amendment. I had something inside me to share at this women’s gala and I was not going to let ‘political correctness’ or ‘an awareness of my surroundings’ censor me. You know what I mean?” Hèad added.
Witnesses noted all eyes in the room widening as Hèad made his way to the podium. Punctuating a series of accomplished women speakers, Hèad led with a ranking of “bangability” of the refugee camp survivors in the front row.
“Drink every time one of these honeys mentions the “patriarchy”, am I right ladies? For real, keep drinking. And find me after, if you know what I mean.”
Reports detail a palpable tension filling the room, mouths falling ajar, and groups storming out.
“I’ve heard insensitive jokes in other settings, but I’m really not sure how he felt it appropriate to get up and speak at a women’s conference,” said Dr. Maria Morales, leading scholar in Gender and Women’s Studies. “I was impressed he kept saying the word ‘rape’ after all the booing,” she recounted, drinking the last of her wine.
“But in all honesty, you broads are totally raping the game in this conference right now,” Hèad concluded as security apprehended him from the podium.
“I think shock is one of the most effective tools of communication,” Hèad told Daily Ruin from the gala’s security office. “It might not have been the rape joke anyone wanted, but I just felt it was the rape joke everyone needed, you know what I mean?”
A note from the editor: Due to the offensive nature of the remarks, Daily Ruin cannot legally transcribe the rest of Mr. Hèad’s commentary. ♦