Top Three Ways to Deal with Your Marxist Roommate

We all know that college is a time for experimentation with both bisexuality and political extremism, but nobody wants to get paired up with Marx-reincarnate as their roommate. To find out whether your roommate is harboring socialist sympathies, ask yourself if they refer to themselves in third-person as “the Proletariat”. For example, “The Proletariat has a study group”. If phrases like this ever slip out, it’s probably safe to say that your randomized roommate assignment matched you up with a Marxist. Another good indicator is if your roommate expresses a vague nostalgia for the early days of the USSR. If you decide you have a Marxist roommate, here’s Satyr’s advice on how to avoid trouble with your new comrade. 

 

Illustrated by Amanda Esther Gani

Illustrated by Amanda Esther Gani

1. Lock things up

The typical “putting a Post-It on your yogurt” isn’t going to work with an upper-middle class kid gone Marxist. They believe they have the same right to that yogurt as you, and your wimpy Post-It certainly won’t change that. Your best option is to buy a small safe and put the yogurt in there. It may be a little warmer than you would like, but it’s all yours.

Illustrated by Amanda Esther Gani

Illustrated by Amanda Esther Gani

2. Present yourself as a working-class farmer

Do anything you can to show that you areone of the proletariat. Wear overalls, talk about your crops, and frequently bring up your distaste for “Shark Tank.” If your roommate sees through your disguise, hide all of sharp and blunt objects in that safe we talked about earlier. At some point, your roommate will want to stage a violent revolt against the capitalist elite, and you don’t want to be their target.

Illustrated by Amanda Esther Gani

Illustrated by Amanda Esther Gani

3. Take down idolatry (religious or other)

To you, that poster of John Lennon during his small, round glasses phase isn’t religious idolatry, but your Marxist roommate probably feels differently. Spare yourself the argument that will inevitably end in class warfare and just take it all down. If you must have wall hangings, keep them limited to portraits of older, white men with beards looking stoically off to the left.

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