SANTA MONICA— Local fashion icon James “@youngjamie” Anderson awoke Friday evening to find himself surrounded by emergency medical technicians who had successfully resuscitated him only moments before.
Early Friday morning, Anderson had taken a trip to a nearby Urban Outfitters, where, among a sleeveless denim vest, a pair of camouflage jogger pants and two pairs of identical black jeans, Anderson found what would later become his potential killer—a slim-fit, short-sleeved, floral button-up.
“Yeah, I’m aware that was two sizes too small. Sorry that offends you, Old Navy,” Anderson said.
Anderson purchased the shirt, but not before first picking up a marijuana-themed coffee-table cookbook. Upon arriving home, Anderson slipped on his favorite black jeans and his new button up. Immediately, Anderson knew something was dreadfully wrong.
“It was kinda hard to breathe, but I figured something was just up with my vape,” Anderson explained. “For real though, check out this mod.”
As it turns out, the cause of Anderson’s suffocation was not his “vape,” but his shirt. The buttoned top button was slowly crushing Anderson’s trachea, preventing any air from passing through his windpipe.
“I realized the true source of the problem pretty quickly, but I looked way too dope to undo my top button,” Anderson said.
Thanks to a lack of movement or strenuous activity as he edited his most grungy Instagram post yet, Anderson was able to remain conscious for almost 45 minutes before oxygen starvation got the best of him.
“I saw the bright light and tried to go toward it, but my pants were too tight for me to walk,” Anderson said.
An ambulance was finally called after Anderson’s mother found her son unconscious in his room. She suspected that something was wrong after her son didn’t reply to her text, voicemail, or Tweet.♦