WESTWOOD, CA —Trump’s presidency has been characterized by a series of divisive executive orders, including a travel ban affecting several majority-Muslim nations. However, next on his agenda is a similarly divisive order, as the next target of the ban will affect the grocery store chain Trader Joe’s, declaring that they must stop selling Trader José and other ethnic Traders’ foods.
Questions have drawn concern for many Americans who will be affected by the ban. For example, it is unclear whether Trader José will be deported back to Mexico or a different Latin American country, as he makes both Mexican quesadillas and burritos as well as empanadas and Peruvian pupusas. The Trump administration has yet to comment on the issue. Trader Giotto, who only makes Italian food, is the only trader with a specified destination, but the ban includes a clause allowing him to stay in the country due to his “commitment to American values.”
When asked to comment on the future of Trader Ming, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer simply waved his hand and said, “He’s going back to Asia.” It is unclear what Asian country the secretary meant. Maybe Trader Ming will be deported to Japan, due to his gyoza potstickers, or Thailand because of his pad thai. Reports have not been able to clarify what country Trader Ming is from.
The night the decision was announced, several people gathered around the Westwood Trader Joe’s with protest signs. At 2:45AM, before hearing about the protests, the president tweeted “Keeping my campaign promise of keeping Traitor José and other bad hombres out! MAGA!” Ten minutes later he tweeted “All of these protests are very un-American, very unfair, everyone loves me.”
Large protests have been scheduled on Facebook, garnering over one thousand RSVPs in the last two days. Amidst the protests, Trader Joe’s CEO Dan Banes has plans to hire a new group of people to hopefully create “something pretty racist that won’t be affected by the ban.”