WASHINGTON, DC — Sources just confirmed the embarrassing demise of the Republican party. Following what political historians are calling Trump’s “Pussygate” a few weeks ago, several Republican leaders jolted awake from their Reagan-era wet-dreams and publicly renounced their support for the orange Presidential nominee. However, Republican efforts to distance Trump from the party were not enough to save it.
“The Republican Party has tragically fallen. Like Aleppo,” Trump said in a statement released on Friday.
“Aleppo has still not fallen,” confirmed former Republican strategist Peter Lowell, and every other news source Daily Ruin consulted.
However, reports and polls indicate that, following the collapse of the Republican Party, America is poised to improve by nearly every measure.
“Oh yeah, the GOP crumbled like Circuit City,” said political commentator Brent Rivera. “Despite this, we have noticed trends of positive progress in the newly united nation. Congress has started passing meaningful legislation. Higher education is helping graduates secure jobs. All the guns in the country were melted down to create statues of Donald Glover.”
“I’ve been able to discover new hobbies and passions ever since CNN became a nature channel,” said former CNN correspondent and Republican pundit, Gloria Grisham.
“Without the GOP to hide behind, the far right finally confessed to being Nazis,” political analyst, Gabriel Beeler, told Daily Ruin. “In fact, extremism is declining across the country. Texas Christian University is now just a big swimming pool.”
“We repurposed thousands of old white hoods into clothes for the homeless, and used Ann Coulter and her books to keep them warm in the winter,” said Aisha Jackson, chair of the nonprofit, A-Okay-KK.
This follows reports of a several inner cities breaking out into song just hours after the Republican party announced their collapse.