President Trump Offers UCLA Freshmen Ballers as Token of Friendship to Kim Jong Un


Seoul, KOREA – In a stunning display of deal-making and international diplomacy, President Trump is offering up UCLA’s disgraced freshman basketball players as a peace offering and token of friendship to Pyongyang. The trio were recently arrested in China as a result of an “intercultural exchange gone wrong,” according to local news sources. They are currently out on bail and returning to the US, but with the recent intervention of President Trump on their behalf. Chinese head of state Xi Jinping has decided to commute their sentence from a potential 3 – 10 years of confinement to a series of 7 games against Kim Jong Un’s national basketball team, the Pyongyang Rockets.

“Nobody saw this coming” said ESPN host and Bruin Basketball alum Bill Walton. “It’s like if the coach ran out on the court to get the ref to complete an alley-oop for his team with a tenth of a second left on the clock, just utterly brilliant – Coach Wooden would be proud.”

North Korea’s local CNN affiliate KCTV has been airing reports that suggest the Dear Leader, a noted basketball fan and mutual friend of Dennis Rodman is practically “dribbling with excitement” at the chance to play against the young stars. A source close to the DPRK leadership is also claiming that Kim is ready to forgive President Trump for suggesting he is “short and fat” over the past weekend, saying he is “very happy that the United States has finally decided to send us its best – even if they didn’t want to come!”

Anonymous sources close to the President also claim that he hopes to restore some good faith in his policies and presidency from what some of his supporters have occasionally referred to as the “Basketball-American community”. The sources also said that the President wants to make sure that the public knows their unpaid and forced labor will not only help us pay off the billions we owe Beijing, but also, maybe, finally, allow the much-hyped Bruins to steal the NCAA Championships from the jaws of defeat.

President Trump has not been reached for comment, nor has the exact date been set for the match, though he is reportedly adding Pyongyang as a stop on his ongoing Big in Japan (But Also Those Other Countries – I’m Fuckin’ Great!) tour, in the hopes of using this opportunity to finally meet his hero, with whom he has always “tried so hard to be friends with”. No word yet on whether or not the First Lady will be joining the Bruins cheer squad for the match.

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