WESTWOOD — Under the replacement of the American Care Act, colloquially known as “Trumpcare”, licensed physicians have been advised to just start asking patients to tell them what medical action to take. The designers of the bill hope that this will reduce doctor’s fees and education costs. Trumpcare expedites a lot of the “wishy-washy” practical semantics of the former ACA, giving patients a lot fewer shots, significantly less waiting-room magazines, and the duty to diagnose themselves and answer the now standard question from doctors “So.. uh.. What chuu wanna do ‘bout that?”
We asked Chief Physician at the UCLA Ronald Reagan center, Charles Ferdinand, about his thoughts on the incoming shifts in physician responsibility. “Honestly, this is amazing we’ve gotten to this point, I never thought I’d live to see the day that this would be happening to medicine in America,” commented Ferdinand.
Daily Ruin asked another physician in the Reagan Center what standard patient care procedure will evolve under Trumpcare, “Honestly, whatever the fuck you wanna do as long as it costs under five bucks,” commented the doctor, or at least the man wearing the outfit of a doctor. “I’ll give you a shot, I’ll do that little knee-tappy-thingy, I’ll call your mom. You know, doctor stuff. Yeah, I’m totally a doctor,” continued the individual. When asked for his name, the doctor responded, “Oh my name? Oh yeah, I definitely have a name, here we go, name, it’s…John….John Hopkins.” After Daily Ruin pointed out the shared name between him and the well-known University, “John” sprinted away and ducked behind a row of vending machines, presumably to take care of an emergency.
Ferdinand continued that his team has come up with some creative solutions to the transition our nation’s health care. He stated “just the other day, I performed surgery with nothing but the top ring of a can, half a packet of Neosporin, and one of those poached-egg-scoopers because the patient said he probably had a case of “Sad Lung.” The designers of Trumpcare are touting this procedure as an amazing accomplishment, proving that Trumpcare is nothing to worry about. When we questioned Ferdinand about the status of his patient he continued, “What? Oh the guy? Oh, he’s dead. ‘Sad Lung’s’ definitely not a real diagnosis. How could that surgery have possibly worked?”