Here’s what’s left of our 6 favorite dishes that have been approved by the biggest turkey of them all, Donald. While they may not be the dishes you’re used to or even wanted, hopefully we’ll all get used to them.
Crusty Mike Pence “Vice President” Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
These are the rolls you sneak to eat under the table while your grandparents light a candle and say a prayer for your gay relative. This relative was disowned by the whole family, but we still pray for their salvation (and conversion) like the good Christians we are. Here’s hoping this doughy and pale half baked roll doesn’t replace even the most offensive of turkeys as the main dish.
Hard Steve Bannon “Chief Strategist” Mashed Potatoes
This Turkey Day staple can be found siding with anyone anytime. This particular recipe doesn’t have any salt, pepper, butter, or anything that could make it at all appealing to anyone. As you mash try to ignore the faint whisper of alt right headlines as you attempt to crush your feelings along with the potatoes.
Expired Myron Ebell “Environmental Expert” Can’t Believe it’s not Butter
Well the rest of us sure believe it’s not. No one knows how this margarine in denial even ended up on the table with it’s bachelor’s degree in philosophy and inability to understand basic science. We’re hoping no one in our family would mistake it for butter and fill their body with it’s toxic chemicals, but then again if they do that will make one less non-believer.
Moldy Jeff Sessions “Attorney General” Sweet Potato Casserole
Topped with marshmallows, this dish has a clear separation between white and color, just the way God intended. Some find this Reagan era classic repulsive because of its extreme preference for straight white marshmallows.
Slightly Smelly Michael Flynn “National Security Advisor” Jell-O Salad
The thing you put on your plate even though you’re not sure why it’s even on the table or who brought it, but then end up having to push it all the way to the side to prevent it from getting on any of the actual good stuff.
Ben Carson “Accepted a position as Head of Housing and Urban Development that he hasn’t yet been offered” Crab Apple Pie
Something doesn’t sound quite right here. This doesn’t seem fit to be a food. We’re confused, the pie is confused, everything about this is just confused.