WASHINGTON D.C.- In the wake of major unrest in the Republican-controlled Senate and in response to Robert Mueller’s ongoing investigation of the President’s dealings with Russia, Donald Trump has appointed a new lawyer to join his staff. While a change in staff was to be expected, no one expected this new legal counsel to behave so crassly and unprofessionally, even by this administration’s standards. Trump’s new lawyer has reportedly been seen shitting on the middle of the floor in the Oval Office. Also, he is a dog.
The legal counsel, known as Bubba, has already contributed to the bombastic and aggressive attitudes of the Trump administration. When the President’s accusations of sexual assault on multiple women were brought into question, the Labrador-Shepherd mix bit into the leg of the reporter and thrashed him around, just before ripping up the presented evidence documents with short and sporadic digging motions on the floor. Examples like this are where the public can see how this specific legal counsel’s experience of being a dog comes in handy.
When asked about his opinion on Trump’s recent appointment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan stated, “It’s definitely something that hasn’t been seen in the White House before, but he’s so far making unique progress. If the President wants it, the President gets it.” Ryan concluded his statement with a pained smile and glazed eyes before rounding the corner to take three Benadryl washed down by straight gin.
Trump’s head of immigration, Stephen Miller, has had a lot to say about the President’s new counsel: “We’ve seen plenty of successful canine-assisted ICE raids along the border, so it makes sense that the President would think to transfer that winning factor close to home. This dog is an American, just like you and me, and I know that this sexy pooch will help work with us to keep immigrants and mutts from coming in and taking jobs and treats from deserving Americans.” When asked if he just called a dog a “sexy pooch,” Miller denied further questioning, fast-walking away while trying to keep a tube of peanut butter from falling out of his pocket.
“Dogs are man’s best friend, great creatures, beautiful dogs, and who’s a better person to have as a lawyer than your friend? People tell me I’m a great friend, Bubba tells me I’m doing a great job, and he’s here to stop people lying about that not happening. Just look at him!” Miller stated. The counsel known as Bubba could then be seen scooting on his butt around the Presidential Seal. When it was explained to Trump that this was Bubba’s way of marking territory and establishing dominance, the lawyer was quickly ushered into the backyard and shot.