TSA Agents To Give Pat-Downs Outside B-Plate To Ensure No Fruit Is Taken Out

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WESTWOOD— The University of California, Los Angeles announced today that it will be placing TSA checkpoints at the exit-points of the dining hall known as “B-Plate”. Students will now be searched upon leaving to insure that no excess fruit or dessert is being smuggled to outside sources.

“People sneaking food out has gotten to be a real problem,” says Bruce Pearson, a manager at the dining hall, “It endangers the integrity of this sovereign dining hall and its people, and we need to put a stop to it.” The agents and checkpoints were recently installed after a student smuggled an excess amount of bananas from the acclaimed hall, and massively littered the peels across bike lanes and Bruin Walk. It was unexpected and catastrophic, with massive pedestrian slippage and broken bike chains. The event, which took place this past May 11, is being hailed as “Rind-Eleven,” in reference to the malicious rinds of the fruit that were used to cause such terror.

“It’s what has to be done,” said newly-assigned TSA-Agent, Robert Owens, “We’re the ones in between the good students outside, walking to class, and the monsters in there who want to cause chaos.” The agents were assigned in an official University Policy update known as the “Potassium Act,” stating agents can stop-and-search any student to insure that a safe amount of bananas are leaving the building. The act was introduced after Rind-Eleven, and supported by video evidence of students making dry banana runs prior to the horror.

Many students have spoken out against the new act. “Just because one asshole used the bananas for evil, doesn’t mean we’re all going to do that,” said Jeanie Thompson, junior art history major and frequent conspirator of B-Plate. “Those radical Peelers don’t align with the majority of us. We just want to spread the good of B-Plate, not ambush innocent people with a slimey trap.”

Others, however, see it as a necessary precaution. “Look man, B-Plate’s weird, it’s all small food and hippies, who knows what’s going on over there,” said economics major Brock Hogan, at the time emerging from De Neve Dining Hall, face littered with crumbs from tiny donuts, “I don’t like it, and they need to pay for Rind-Eleven. If a few people get caught in the crossfire, that’s a risk we gotta take.”

Whether or not the Potassium Act will remain permanent will fall onto the table of the next USAC elections, along with other decisions, such as whether or not to close Covel’s “Mediterranean Bar Bay”. In the meantime, expect to encounter checkpoints when leaving B-Plate, and slight traffic going in, as protesters have been fighting for their fruit rights out front, with signs and chants such as, “We Won’t Fruit-Pollute,” “Rind-Eleven Was an Inside Job,” and “Bernie 2020.”

 

Art by Marisa Magana

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