WASHINGTON—The gameplay mechanic behind Internet sensation “Twitch Plays Pokemon” was implemented to control Congress last Thursday. To date, this mechanic, which allows thousands of users to input commands at the same time, has led to no significant changes in the functioning of the legislative body.
Congressman Frank Helixwood (D-SC) described the transition: “For the last few days, everyone has just been walking around aimlessly, spewing nonsense, and trying to push forward bills that are full of indiscernible text. Basically, it’s the same as it’s always been.”
“One thing that has changed,” continued Helixwood, “is that two strongly opposing sides that try to sabotage the efforts of one another have emerged.” Helixwood paused and then continued, “Actually, I guess that’s still the same too.”
The Daily Ruin attempted to continue the interview, but Helixwood abruptly left to walk against a wall for several minutes, then consult the first article of the Constitution 17 times.
The sides Helixwood refers to are the proponents of the opposing “anarchy” and “democracy” control modes. While the system allows for the intermittent switching between these modes, the Government has been held strongly on the “anarchy” side for the majority of the run; this has led to the release of several federal judges into the wild.
However, a few moments of the “democracy” mode have occurred, most notably when Congress was actually able to approve of a large social welfare reform bill, officially titled “aaaaajjjjx)0”. Celebration over the achievement was cut short, however, when President Oak vetoed the bill, saying, “Congress! This isn’t the time to use that!” ♦