LOS ANGELES—In an unprecedented display of gross incompetence, UCLA’s Central Ticket Office admitted earlier today that it forgot Hillary Clinton is a famous politician and inspirational role model for 95% of the world’s population.
This explains why CTO employees were so unprepared for the hundreds of students that rushed the office a little after 5:30 a.m. today in hopes of getting a ticket to The Luskin Lecture on March 5 that will feature Clinton.
“Yeah, we really dropped the ball on this one,” said Rick Mendoza, who was managing the Central Ticket Office this morning. “We just didn’t realize so many people would want to get free tickets to hear one of the world’s most powerful women speak about the future of leadership.”
UCLA events coordinator Sasha Carlson was also astonished by the large turnout.
“Come on, these students are in Hollywood, not Berkeley,” Carlson said. “Does Hillary Clinton really have that much name recognition here?”
UCPD officers arrived at the scene a little too late to actually instill order or warrant their continued presence, but as per the usual, they had no qualms about verbally threatening students who were voicing their frustration with the situation.
Several of these exchanges included the phrase “you are out of line”, but the Daily Ruin can confirm that absolutely nobody found this funny at the time.
When confronted by students complaining about the total lack of organization and basic problem-solving skills exhibited by UCLA this morning, Mendoza assured them that the office had in fact considered setting up ropes to help create an orderly, single-file line.
“We were planning on having ropes set up, but we never really confirmed that with Steve.”
Mendoza explained that Steve Kilp, the CTO employee in charge of manning the office’s two 25-foot ropes at events, allegedly slept through the entire ordeal.
“We never officially hired him for the distribution, but at the staff party last Friday, he did say he’d be here,” Mendoza said.
Mendoza extended apologies to students who ended up wasting hours of their life in line before being told the tickets would be raffled off.
By using a lottery system like this, Mendoza explained, everyone is given an equal chance of seeing Clinton regardless of how long they waited in line.
“We obviously take full responsibility for the mayhem and would love to hear any type of feedback from students about the incident at (310) 825-2101 or firstname.lastname@example.org,” Mendoza said. ♦