UCLA Bruin Marching Band Compiles “Greatest Hits” Album, Struggles To Find More Than Three Greatest Hits

true blueLOS ANGELES—There was furor among fans of the UCLA Bruin Marching Band late on Wednesday evening, when band director Gordon Henderson announced the postponement of the much-anticipated Greatest Hits album, which was originally scheduled to be released in June. “We’ve hit a few obstacles along the way,” said Henderson, addressing the fourteen-strong crowd that braved the biting wind to hear him speak that evening.

Although Henderson did not specify the particular hiccups that had caused the disappointing release delay, rumors seem to suggest that the higher-ups in the band do not feel that a new album is completely warranted, due to a lack of original songs since the album True Blue was released in 2009. “We already got sued for the first one we put out,” said Kelly Flickinger, Assistant Director, “and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let it happen again just to put three more lousy songs on iTunes.”

Although band members were firmly instructed not to talk to the press, the Daily Ruin managed to arrange a secret meeting with a senior member of the band whose role, by his own description, was to “wave a big flag around”. When asked about the feasibility of creating the album, John Wooden* said, “‘Mighty Bruins’ is pretty good I suppose.” When probed further, John became visibly defensive and said, “I guess ‘Hail to the Hills of Westwood’ is okay too. Can I leave now? You guys are really pushy for journalists.”

Although the legality of the album was in question to begin with, sources seem to indicate that the primary hurdles were presented to the producers by the trombone section, who said they were “fed up” with the “trumpets taking all the credit for everything ever.”

Once the first pieces of dirty laundry were aired, it snowballed into an all-out civil war amongst the various sections of the band, with each trying to outdo the other with complex arpeggios and riffs alike. With the viability of the Greatest Hits project already in question, the conflict reached its tipping point when the drum-line annexed over half the woodwind section, prompting the directors to call for an immediate cease-play.

Reports indicate that the marching band is attempting to cover up its botched attempt to boost its popularity by releasing a remastered version of True Blue in early 2015, though we at the Daily Ruin fail to understand why it takes over a year of hard labor to make an album sound exactly the same as it did before. 

*Name changed

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