WESTWOOD— As part of a campaign to revitalize its public image, UCLA reversed its ban on smoking last Thursday in efforts to “improve UCLA’s reputation, and also make students look less like fucking losers”.
The smoking ban, implemented in April of 2013, was meant to decrease exposure to secondhand smoke, but Chancellor Gene Block decided that students looking cool was a more important cause.
“I mean just face it, our entire campus is full of nerds. Like, we have ‘cool’ frat dudes, but even they would look cooler with cigarettes in their hands,” Block said while putting out his own cigarette. “No one ever does anything cool or risky anymore at this school. I did so many cool things in college. Like one time, I went skydiving naked.”
The reversal of the ban also stipulates ways in which to encourage students to use tobacco, giving out prizes such as tribal tattoos for the first 150 students to smoke while being cynical or free sunglasses to those who blow smoke into unsuspecting faces.
Legislation aimed at increasing the number of cool students on campus was also passed alongside the reversal, including the implementation of campaigns to encourage unprotected sex and the mandatory wearing of sunglasses indoors.
Also voted in was the inclusion of a coolness requirement, including classes such as “How to Wear Boat Shoes Without Your Feet Getting Sweaty 101” and “Being Indifferent About Things That Affect You Emotionally 173C”.
The campaign to incentivize coolness at UCLA comes amidst UCLA’s recent drop in national coolness rankings.
“I mean goddamn, even MIT is above us,” Block shrugged, “And all they do is build robots and shit.”
Block hopes the new legislation will serve to catapult UCLA to the top of national coolness rankings in the coming years.
“I just want UCLA to be like the raddest school like, ever. Wait, no. Like the dopest school like, totally. Ever,” Block said before chugging a beer.♦