United Airlines Offers Mistreated Passenger One Single Pepsi

CHICAGO, IL — On Sunday, footage of a passenger being abused by security officers on board a United Airlines flight at Chicago O’Hare Airport went viral. United Airlines has since issued an apology. CEO Oscar Munoz released a statement saying, “I continue to be disturbed by what happened on this flight, and I deeply apologize to the customer forcibly removed and to all the customers aboard. No one should ever be mistreated this way.” In a second statement, Munoz said, “I think I know how to make this right.”

“We were crushed to see another person of color mistreated by authorities,” the company said in the second statement. “United is a company of deep integrity, and in continuing with this mission, we decided to partner with another company that shares that same mission. We would like to offer the passenger, Dr. David Dao, one single can of Pepsi.”

Pepsi, reeling from their own PR nightmare, thought the controversy offered a perfect window to insert themselves into another display of injustice. “Our recent error has brought to our attention the place our brand holds on issues of systemic racial profiling and police brutality,” the statement went on to say, “We are pleased to announce that Scarlett Johansson has agreed to present Dr. Dao the single can of apologetic Pepsi, since she’s playing that Asian chick in that movie.”

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