University of Pennsylvania Pipes To Be Replaced Because Of Masturbation, Flint Still Without Water

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PHILADELPHIA, PA — Earlier this month, President Donald Trump took a bold stance and sided with the male students at the University of Pennsylvania, his alma mater, by paying out-of-pocket to replace the semen-filled shower pipes. This donation horrified the residents of Flint Michigan, who haven’t had clean water since April 2014.

Initially, the student body denied Trump’s donation when he unclearly stated he wanted to “make an alumni contributions to the school’s pipe system.” Once Trump clarified that it would be a monetary donation, he also made clear his motivation: “Like I said on the campaign trail, it’s just what happens in locker rooms. Boys will be boys, we can’t help it. What does the university expect the students to do? Stop masturbating?”

Our reporter asked Trump why he didn’t pay out of pocket to replace the water pipes in Flint, to which he replied: “If I don’t replace the pipes at the University right away, these boys will be lost and their futures could be at risk! Flint can just use bottled water, but there is no alternative other than the shower for these heroic boys at UPenn. Besides, Michigan is practically surrounded by water, what do they need pipes for?”

In response, the men of Flint have banded together in a unifying community project to masturbate into all the shower drains in Flint. Despite the drop in fertility rates, the mayor of Flint stands with his community: “I used to think if children’s health, the poisoning of US citizens, and corrupt politicians don’t get Trump’s attention, then nothing will. That is, until I heard about the pipes at UPenn. The men of this community are masturbating for a purpose: for the future of our children and our children’s children.”

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