PHILADELPHIA – Urban Outfitters has recently released a “Fuck Capitalism ” collection to more accurately cater to their demographic of “18-24-year-old binge drinkers whose parents have money.” Since Bernie has been gaining so much momentum among America’s hippest youth, socialism has become the hottest trend among young people with disposable income.
Urban Outfitter’s new collection is now available in stores across the United States. The most popular item is the “Fuck Capitalism Tee,” a tight white T-shirt with the words “fuck capitalism” printed in thick black block letters. The “Fuck Capitalism Tee” is flying off shelves at its $89 price point. The “Fuck Capitalism Bralet” has become hugely popular among the same demographic that so ardently champions avocado toast. It’s much like any other Urban Outfitters lacy white bralets but it has “fuck capitalism” stitched on to the left boob. It is currently available for $34.
Urban Outfitters’ profits have grown 25% since the recent release of the “Fuck Capitalism” line. That number is expected to grow as middle class kids finally save up enough tutoring money to purchase their own “Fuck Capitalism” apparel. In light of the collection’s unprecedented success, Richard Hayne, the CEO of Urban Outfitters, announced that a portion of the proceeds will be going directly to himself.
Holly Gernick was one of the first to discover the new collection while she was looking for ironic flasks at her local Urban Outfitters. She is excited that among her group of friends, she is now considered “totally the most politically involved.” She added, “I kinda forgot to register to vote for Bernie, but I feel like wearing my Urban Outfitters ‘Fuck Capitalism’ Tee basically makes up for that.”
It is rumored that next season Urban Outfitters will be introducing a new “Fuck both Domestic and International Sweatshop Labor” collection. ♦
Illustration by Risha Sanikommu