Vending Machine Walk of Shame: Do’s and Don’t’s

DO’S

leg

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber

1. Walk with Style

Claim a strut. This can be materialized either in a gentle skip, swift run, brisk sprint. Anything works as long as you own it.

 

clothes

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber

2. Wear all black

Camouflage is the name of the game. One should wear clothing not dissimilar from Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. Leggings – something stretchy, beanie – protective gear.

 

saltines

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber

3. Choose an internationally recognized snack brand

None of this “Ricky’s Heath Barr” or “Carl’s Homemade Ye Ole’ Chips.” Addition of unnecessary letters to titles is a red flag – so is subtraction. Stick to good, old American brands such as Lays, Doritos, M&Ms, Hershey’s, Pepsi, etc. Being mainstream wins for once.

 

DON’TS

onesie

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber

1. Wear a onesie

Onesies limit mobility. One must always be able to stride-away in the face of possible visibility during the act. Secondly, onesies indicate weakness when worn outside of the house setting. You do not want to be deemed vulnerable whilst walking to/fro vending machines.

 

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber

2. Use only quarters

Always be prepared for a quick get-away. The entire process of snack selection, voyage to/fro, payment and retrieval should all be accomplished in under 120 seconds. Quarters accomplish the opposite of expediting the process.

 

bells

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber

3. Wear bells and jingle mechanisms

Draw as little attention as possible. Be mindful of bracelets, Christmas caps, etc. Jingling will attract onlookers.

 

 

Print this list and make it pocket size! Great reference for late night bites.

 

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