Ways To Succeed At UCLA For Incoming Freshmen


  1. The more bodily fluids you exchange, the better. Take that as you will.
  2. Select one fedora to wear outside, and another one to keep lying around just in case. You’ll feel a lot freer and more comfortable.
  3. Choose your favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and personify that character archetype as best you can. People tend to think I’m a Donatello, but secretly I see myself as more of a Raphael and that comes up big in social situations.
  4. Don’t believe anything anybody says. Not even yourself.
  5. Strip naked and dance a ballet in front of the Inverted Fountain. People will respect your willingness to risk it all for beauty.
  6. See how long you last as Wolfgang Puck’s personal assistant (it’s the worst, but he totally lights up when he cooks and that’s super fun to watch).
  7. Stock up on lotions and perfumes. You never know when you’ll need to impress someone with your scent and/or slip out of a messy situation.
  8. Don’t look the John Wooden’s Ghost in the eyes if you see him in your dreams. He paralyzes you with his gaze and makes you do basketball drills until you wake up.
  9. Give. Everything.
  10. Empathize with the muted suffering of the homeless on Westwood Boulevard, then go buy yourself a giant-ass wine glass.
  11. That guy seems cool, why not take acid with him?
  12. Get as many stick-n-pokes as you can. College is a strange popularity contest based loosely around the amount of toxic ink you’ll allow your drunk friends to carve into your upper thigh.
  13. Take a look at yourself in the mirror and think what the heck is going on.
  14. This guy Kevin is insanely real- invite him back to your place and smoke a flippin’ j!
  15. Pretend like you know a lot about surfing.
  16. Pretend like you know a lot about lifting weights.
  17. Pretend like you know a lot about David Foster Wallace.
  18. Pretend like you know a lot about Marxist Theory.
  19. Pretend like you know a lot about Craft Beer.
  20. Actually learn a lot about Craft Beer because you’re drinking it all the time.

Written by Matt Saunders

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