White House Press Room Podium Replaced With Bush

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Washington―In the latest shake-up the Trump administration has made to the White House, Sean Spicer has decided to replace the historic podium in the press room with a bush.

The decision comes after the suspicious timing of the firing of FBI Director James Comey. After members of the press dared to ask the press secretary questions regarding the president’s decision, Spicer retreated into the bushes and could only be coaxed out with chocolate milk and old copies of the National Review.

In an official White House statement, that is, a flyer stuck onto a branch, Sean Spicer cited “feelings of being attacked by the media” as the primary motivator behind the decorating decision. He also asked that reporters keep “those shiny rectangles away from [him],” referring to their cameras, saying that his mother needed to sign a form before he could be filmed.

According to an inside source, the bush was specifically requested and chosen by Sean Spicer and was a $400,000 purchase from a Russian arboretum. Daily Ruin was also able to get a rare glimpse behind the bush and found that it was mostly sparse, except for a disorganized pile of children’s letter blocks arranged to spell “SMART” and cans with strings attached that stretch to what appeared to be the Oval Office.

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