WESTWOOD – Daily Ruin recently noticed a strange phenomenon occurring on Strathmore. The fraternity ZBT has not one, not two, not three, not four, but five** partially destroyed couches sitting on their porch. According to our sources, the only explanation must be that ZBT eats couches.
All of the couches are missing substantial chunks. Some couches are just missing an arm. Other discarded couch seem to be missing the entire left side. This led our Daily Ruin staff to ask: “Why didn’t ZBT just eat the whole couch? Why did they eat half and then move on to the next couch?” We have been unable to find an answer.
It is also unclear whether all members of ZBT eat couches or if just several do. According to one passerby “It’s gotta be at least eight guys eating couches. You know, it’s gotta be enough to go through five couches.”
We reached out to UCLA nutritional services to try to find an explanation for why ZBT might have begun eating couches. One nutritionist, Wendy Kilmark had this to say: “Couches are made of fibrous materials, so ZBT must have been fiber deficient and turned to eating couches as a way to supplement.” Kilmark went on to say that due to all the whey protien powder they consume in an effort to “bulk up”, many young men in fraternities do not consume enough fiber.
An update since the original publishing of this article:
ZBT has just moved the couches from their porch onto the sidewalk, perhaps, in an effort to disguise their couch eating habits. But one thing remains true. They definitely eat couches. On a related note, Beta’s discarded bean bag is still on the sidewalk.
**The fifth couch is not pictured here. If you would like a picture of it. Please email us at SatyrMagazine@gmail.com