NORTHERN CALIFORNIA – The notorious unidentified Zodiac Killer responsible for somewhere between eight and thirty-seven murders between 1968 and 1969 has finally revealed his identity. His case was open for 47 years. The Zodiac Killer, or Josh Gerturd as he is known in his daily life, came forward after rumors began to surface that Republican Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz was the Zodiac Killer.
“I wanted people to know who I really am,” said Gerturd. “It was too embarrassing to have people running around saying that Ted Cruz was the Zodiac Killer. I spent time on those murders, and I don’t want people to think I’m some Canadian moron.”
The Zodiac Killer was famous for taunting the police and the press. He would call and claim responsibility for the murders but could never be identified. Gerturd was very proud of the anonymity he had managed to maintain, but he claims that he was willing to give that up to stop being mentioned in the same sentence as Ted Cruz. “Sure I shot a bunch of teenagers who were making out in cars, but I’m not trying to dismantle the Affordable Care Act—that would be downright evil,” said Gerturd.
Gerturd will spend the rest of his life in prison. He will be forced to give up his condo in San Jose and his job as a software consultant. “It’s really worth it,” said Gerturd. “At least in prison I can hold my head high knowing that no one is associating me with Ted Cruz. That really would have weighed on my conscious.” ♦